Tea and Sympathy
by The-Caitiff
Summary: HP BtVS Cat who walks through walls crossover. Part of Tales from the Barman series originally started by Methos on www tthfanfic com, add some dots, remove some spaces, you know the drill. Harry walks into Xanders bar looking for something to drink.
1. Chapter 1

Title; Tea and Sympathy

From; The-Caitiff (playing in Methos, JKR, Whedon, and Heinlein's sandbox)

Notes; This is a multi-crossover with BtVS, and The Cat Who Walks Through Walls (ok, I'm only actually stealing the cat for comedic relief but whatever Heilein still gets credit). I am indebted to Methos who wrote a wonderful setting over on TwistingTheHellmouth that he called "Tales from the Barman". He started with a basic premise "Xander opens a bar that caters to anyone, no questions asked" and then opened it to the fans. Within a month it broke 200,000 words from over a hundred authors because it was the perfect way to open a crossover or just have fun. This is just for fun and to get the creative juices going again after a two week writers block.

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In Cleveland, Ohio, Xander Harris was hoping a quiet night as he flipped the sign to "open". It wasn't unusual, most Monday nights were slow, and he usually took the time to do inventory and balance his books. Suddenly every magic sensor Willow had installed for him when he opened the bar began shrieking bloody murder and a voice echoed quietly.

"I need somewhere to have a drink and a helpful bartender," the voice commanded. It was repeated twice more.

The building flashed white for an instant then the magic sensors quieted down. Xander heard the bells above his door tinkle and looked over to see who his latest unusual customer was going to be. In walked a young man who looked fifteen, if that, and was dressed in long black robes, a white shirt, and wore a red and gold tie. He marched up to the bar and took a seat on one of the stools.

"Hi, I'm Xander Harris, welcome to Nights. What can I get you this evening?"

Harry loosened his robes and relaxed a bit. "Harry Potter, I'll have a firewhiskey. You may as well leave the bottle because it's been a long day." He frowned and reconsidered, "A long life actually, not that it matters."

"I'm going to need some ID, you know the drinking age is 21 over here right?"

Harry muttered to himself while digging through his pockets. "An American? I could have swore I asked for a helpful bartender." Giving up on finding anything resembling a government ID that stated his age, Harry just looked at the ceiling.

There was another flash of white and a rectangular piece of plastic hit the bar between the two men, the picture was making a rather rude face as Xander examined it. Apparently Harry Potter had been born exactly twenty one years ago to the day and lived in Scotland. "It would have been a lot more believable if I didn't watch you magic it out of thin air. Nice work though, looks very real."

"I should have known better anyway. Stupid castle would never let me get away with drinking. Just get me a cup of tea or something, two sugars and a bit of milk if you don't mind."

"Ah, now that I can get you," Xander pulled out the stash of tea he kept for Giles and brewed a pot. Returning a few minutes later to Harry's end of the bar he poured himself a coke and sat down across from him. "So what brings an English kid like you out on a night like this?"

"Well I was hoping to get royally pissed and then whinge about prophecies, evil wizards, and sadistic government employees who want me dead. Unfortunately this ruddy blasted Room won't cooperate!" Harry shook his fist at the ceiling warningly.

"Sounds like a story or three," Xander observed. He waved loosely at his trophy wall, "I happen to collect stories so if you still feel like unloading a bit, feel free."

"Well I suppose it can't hurt really, since we're in the Room and all." He sampled the tea and looked impressed. "For a yank, you make a decent cuppa. Alright here's my story. Many years back, before I was born, a drunken fraud somehow managed to make a genuine prophecy. This prophecy told about the only child in the world who would be able to stop the evil wizard of the time. The problem was, two people heard it. One of them was a spy for the Dark Lord Voldemort, the evil wizard, and the other was Albus Dumbledore, a slightly insane schoolteacher with delusions of grandeur."

"Dumbledore, that name seems familiar somehow…" Xander waved it aside and gestured for Harry to continue.

"Dumbledore sounds familiar but you've never heard of Harry Potter? I think you just found a loyal customer. Anyway back to the story, the prophecy had some pretty specific ways to identify this chosen one and it turns out to be me. Naturally Voldemort doesn't want to wait around and let me become a threat to his power so he decides to kill me as soon as possible." Harry felt tiny pinpricks in his leg and looked down to see a small orange cat climbing his leg. He helped it up into his lap where it immediately settled down.

"That's Pixel, she comes and goes," Xander explained. "So now this Big Bad is chasing you and wants you dead eh? Sounds tough."

"Yes and no, we're not to that part of the story yet. See he decided to kill me when I was less than two years old. Killed my whole family then dropped dead at my feet. Then about a year and a half ago one of his nutjob followers kidnapped me and stole my blood for a ritual to bring him back to life. The government of course denied everything because it could cause a panic. They decided it would be better if I just disappeared one day, or maybe if my soul were to accidentally get sucked out."

"Ah, that sounds like a government to me. I've had a few bad experiences with ours over here too. As soon as something weird starts going on, people start disappearing and denials start flowing." Xander poured another cup of tea, seeing that the first was done. "So where does this Dumbledore character fit in? You wouldn't have mentioned him if he wasn't involved somewhere."

"Well he's the official good guy. Realistically he runs a small private school for witches and wizards, and holds a seat in the magical equivalent of our Parliament, but he holds a lot more power than just that. He's got connections and knows people all over Europe, some of them at the very top of their governments. Everybody is looking to him to save them from Voldemort but the only thing he has done is running the Order of the Phoenix. They are nothing more than a group of gossips hoping to win the war by listening for news about what the other side has already done."

"Now you're making me feel right at home, evil wizards, prophecies, and a group of nosey old British men who sit around watching everything but not doing anything to change it. Any minute now I'm going to decide that your ID looks really good and break out the whiskey just to hear some more detail."

"On second thought I probably shouldn't. The way things have been going lately, I'll either be a crying drunk or a violent one and I don't want to wreck your bar. I could always fix it in a flash but I'd feel guilty. Ever since the Ministry was forced to admit he was back a few months ago, Voldemort and his group have been killing a lot of people. The dementors, evil things that will force you to remember your worst memories and try to steal your soul, joined him last winter. The Vampires joined him last week, and we've heard rumors that the werewolves are considering his offers."

From his lap, pixel made a "Blert" noise and demanded to be pet some more. Harry thought this was a rather odd noise for a cat but pet it anyway.

When he looked back up, he noticed Xander was looking at him penetratingly with his one eye. "The Vampires joined the evil wizard you say? How many of them?"

"I don't know, they don't like to tell me much on account of my age but I heard that it was all the British ones and a few from the Continent. I don't know about numbers though."

Xander was quiet for a few moments and Harry could tell the way his eye jiggled back and forth that he was thinking hard about something. "It sounds like you've probably got two to three hundred vampires then. I wouldn't go out at night, even with a friend. They usually hunt in groups of two to five so be sure to have some holy water and a good cross if you absolutely have to go out. Actually it doesn't have to be a cross; it can be any religious symbol as long as you believe in it. I like wooden crosses because if worse comes to worst, you can break it apart for two stakes."

"Harry Potter walked into your bar and your eyes didn't immediately jump to my forehead. I called Albus Dumbledore insane and you just smiled. I've said Voldemort several times and it's just a name to you. There's not even a flicker of recognition. But the moment I mention vampires, now I've got your attention?" Harry was more than a little confused.

"My friend Willow, that redhead on the wall over there, does all the voodoo bits. I just stick to what I know." He shrugged. "Let me give you some advice about this prophecy though. If there are two things I know for sure about the supernatural world one is that most things die if you take their head off, and the other is that even prophecies aren't written in stone. I've sort of got a reputation for breaking them actually. So tell me about yours and we'll see where the loopholes are."

"Well the first bit just identifies me, even mentions me being marked," Harry brushed aside his bangs to display his scar. "The second bit says I have a power Voldemort doesn't know, and the last bit says one of us will kill the other."

"I wouldn't worry about the second part. Just because he doesn't know about it doesn't mean it is the secret to his demise. It doesn't say you know about it either, or that it will be useful. For all we know your superpower is the ability to get blood out of carpet." Xander smiled for a moment, "Though if you do develop that power you will always have a job over here waiting for you if you are interested. Now what exactly does the last bit say?"

"And either must die at the hands of the other, for neither can live while the other survives." Harry recited dutifully.

Xander nodded and suddenly a shot of whiskey appeared on the bar in front of Harry. "Can't send a fighting man off without a final drink, no matter his age" He explained. "Well that is a doozey of a prophecy but it is still pretty vague. For instance "the other" might refer to a third party."

Harry coughed lightly as the whiskey burned. He'd been expecting firewhiskey, but this was some sour American version that almost tasted rancid. The black label on the bottle taunted him, old number seven indeed. It tasted old… "What do you mean third party, Voldemort and I are the only two mentioned?"

"Lets assume you and Voldemort are in the middle of some epic battle and I happen to stumble onto the scene. I see two wizards fighting and a lot of dead bodies. What do the two of you see?"

"He sees another victim, and I see another innocent to protect. Why?"

"Well that's it right there. You both see "an other." Nobody special worth identifying, just an extra person who is in the right place at the right time. Now maybe I saw the two of you first and got a weapon ready. Either one of you could die at the hands of this "other." Do you see what I mean?" Xander sketched a few stick figures on a bar napkin. The one without a scar on his head wound up getting a face full of shotgun. "Most often prophecies only make sense after they are over and done with. Until then, don't let them worry you too much."

"Wow, I really never thought about it before. Thanks for the advice. I just might have something for your wall." Harry reached into his robe searching for the journal he'd taken to writing in over the summer. Once he found it he pulled out a picture he'd stuck inside. It was a photo Colin Creevy had taken just after the First Task at the Triwizard Tournament of him and Hermione. Thinking his wish to the Room of Requirement, he grabbed the quill that appeared and scribbled an autograph on the card. "There you go, if you get any wizards or witches in here I'm sure they'll be excited to see that one."

"Thanks, you're welcome to come back any time. If one of the girls is out front, just tell them the word Sunnydale and they'll get you whatever you want without questions. You are not the first person to wind up with a destiny they didn't want and they understand." All the magic alarms began shrieking again and he turned from the trophy wall just in time to see Harry step through his door and literally disappear. There was a cloth sack on his bar with a note. Opening the bag he found it to be full of nearly a hundred gold coins roughly the size and thickness of a nickel.

Looking at the note he found "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Harry Potter."

"It's only six o'clock but already I can tell it's going to be a weird night." Xander thought to himself. "I better call Buffy, she will want to know about this vampire problem. Who knows, the kid might catch a break after all."

It wasn't until much later that he realized he hadn't seen Pixel after Harry left.


	2. Chapter 2

Tea and Sympathy; Part the Second wherein cats are returned and anonymity found.

Disclaimer; I do not own the characters and settings in this story and am making no money from this piece of fiction.

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Early the next morning, Harry was awoken by a very small kitten who seemed content to playfully swat at his nose every few seconds. Attempts to brush it away were fruitless because whenever his arm came around the cat simply wasn't there. It would disappear and then reappear as soon as the hand was gone. Eventually he opened his eyes and looked at his tormentor.

It was orange and blurry. Ok, maybe glasses were in order. It was that kitten from the bar. Why was a kitten from the Room of Requirement sitting on his chest? Objects weren't allowed to leave the room. The cat swatted him again and mewled hungrily to let him know that food was more important than questions about the nature of magic and the origins of kittens that needed to be fed.

Reluctantly, Harry got up and threw on a set of robes. Pixel leaped to his shoulder and Harry could barely feel his presence where his claws pierced through. When he finally got down to the Great Hall, the Heads of Houses were just beginning to hand out class schedules to the early risers. He sat down and smiled as a saucer of milk appeared on the table next to his plate. It was good to know the house elves were paying attention. Pixel immediately set to work and left Harry to his own meal.

Ron, Hermione and Ginny joined him eventually as he wrestled with the tiny terror over possession of his sausages. Every time he used his fork to cut off a bite, Pixel gobbled it down and if he tried to pick up the whole thing he just clamped onto the end. Ginny immediately gave a girly squeal and rushed over to pet the kitten.

"Hey mate, what's with the cat?" Ron asked.

"The bloody thing is eating my breakfast that's what's up."

"He means where did it come from?" Hermione put in as she took the seat across from him.

Harry just gave a nervous laugh and looked around for a diversion, "Well that kind of a funny story…"

"Oh bloody hell Harry! It's not even October yet, how can you get into something weird on your first day back?" Ron actually opened the homework planner Hermione had given him the year before and scribbled "Harry in Trouble" over the next few weeks.

"You keep track of when I'm mixed up in something?" Harry grabbed the book, checking that the weeks of Halloween, Christmas, and Exams were already underlined in red ink.

"Well we do need to have extra calming and wit sharpening potions on hand," Hermione explained gently. "We're not all gifted with the ability to ignore the bizarre like you but we'd really like to stay alive as long as possible. Now where did you get the cat? I know you didn't have it yesterday on the train."

"For some reason my life just made so much more sense." Harry muttered. "Do you want the long version or the short version?"

"Short please, given how you were losing an argument with the cat when we walked up and are avoiding the story I am not sure I want to know the long one without some buffers in place."

"Ok then, the short version…" Harry tried to think of how to summarize it, "I didn't find Pixel, he found me. In a pub. In Cleveland Ohio. Yeah that about sums it up."

Hermione opened her mouth, closed it, then decided it just wasn't worth it. "It's too early in the morning to deal with you. Expect a thorough grilling later on why you were in a pub, when you were in a pub, and how you got to America without anyone noticing."

Hermione threw her planner onto the table in front of her which earned a hiss from Pixel just before a hole opened beneath him and he fell through the table and out of the way. Ginny glared at her as Harry felt a warm furry body climbing the inside of his robes. "Watch it, you almost hit Harry's cat!"

Hermione ignored her and stared at the empty patch of table. "Harry, the cat…"

"His name is Pixel," He supplied. "And he's not exactly mine."

"The cat went right through the table."

"You threw a book at him."

"He passed right through a solid wood table."

"You're a witch."

"Harry, it's impossible to just walk through solid objects."

"And I fly through the air on a broom. Is there a point to this?"

Pixel had reached one of Harry's pockets and chose to pass through the material. Sticking his head out, he glared at Hermione. "Blert!"

Harry nodded agreement and looked down at his little stow away. "I still don't know why you tagged along with me but I can't take you back to Xander until tonight at the earliest. There is a lot to see and do in this castle so if you want to explore a bit just come find me later and I won't forget you."

Pixel stared at him and he somehow got the feeling he understood but for the moment he still had a pocket full of happy purring kitten.

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That evening just before dinner Harry found himself in Headmaster Dumbledore's office facing his Head of House and some of the Order. Professor McGonagall had apparently chosen to act as spokesman for the group.

"Mr. Potter, we don't know where you acquired a dimension hopping immortal space cat, and I'm fairly sure we don't want to, but you need to put it back where you found it. Preferably before it's owners come looking for it."

Harry looked down at the object of discussion by his feet. "Well that does explain a few things. How do you know he's immortal?"

"He wandered through a stone wall into my transfiguration class when I was demonstrating the animagus transformation and well, we could communicate to a point." McGonagall wiggled her hand a bit to indicate it was only so-so, not perfect.

"Aye, I noticed that as well," Moody said. "I caught the little beast wandering around Headquarters. I don't have an animagus form but I swear to Merlin he somehow told me he was with you. Dodged every one of my spells..."

Pixel gave him a superior look then butted his head against Harry's leg and gave one of his characteristic "Blert!" noises.

Harry picked him up and put him in his front pocket inside his robes. Then he noticed everyone was looking at him, "What? I didn't have anything to do with it this time, he just followed me home. I was already going to take him home tonight anyway so no worries. It will be a few hours before the place opens though."

Dumbledore frowned slightly. "Harry I am afraid it's simply not safe for you to leave the castle at this time. Perhaps you could simply send the animal back by owl post, or at worst you could tell one of the Order members where to drop it off…"

"I don't think I can do that," Harry told him. "I'm not sure if the place is even real. I'll take care of it, don't worry. I'll need Remus to make a trip to Gringotts for me though. I kind of over tipped last time on account of some really good advice about how to deal with Voldemort."

"Oh," Dumbledore looked intrigued, "would you care to share this advice with the Order?"

"I was talking to someone who has experience with prophecies, don't worry I didn't tell it to him, and he enlightened me about how they work. He said that if I were take Gryffindor's sword off the wall over there and separate Voldemort's head from his shoulders, the rest of the prophecy would work itself out without my help."

"Do you think that will be easy lad?" Moody asked harshly. "The Dark Lord aint known to be standing still when people want to kill him."

"So I get him while he's sleeping," Harry shrugged. "The prophecy just said one of us would die, it never said I had to be polite about it. If the rest of the world wants to think I've got no sense of honor because I had to cheat to win against someone with sixty years of experience, it won't bother me a bit."

"We've gotten off track gentlemen," Dumbledore said gently. "So you are going to return the cat this evening, and you need Mr. Lupin to visit the Goblins first? Where will you be going? We must arrange for an Order escort after all."

"I guess it doesn't have to be Lupin, I just wanted to ask for him since he's my wizard guardian now. I'll need both Galleons and muggle money." Harry scribbled a few numbers on a scrap of parchment and handed it over with his key. "As for where I'm going, like I said I'm not sure if it's even a real place. So I either won't be leaving the castle at all or else I'm going to America."

"Hogwarts conceals many secrets even I have not uncovered," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled a bit when he heard that. "I'll see that someone visits the goblins for you. Now is there anything else we need to discuss?"

McGonagall, Moody, and Snape all shook there heads but Harry remembered something else. "Oh I almost forgot, the man I was talking to had some advice about hunting vampires too. He said they hunt in packs of three to five and if you have to go out at night to carry holy water and a holy symbol. He likes to use a cross because you can break it into stakes. He thinks there are two to three hundred here in Britain that we need to worry about."

Snape sneered condescendingly, "Potter every wizard worth his salt knows that cross thing is a worthless muggle superstition. And a stake through the heart will kill anything."

"I'm just passing the message along. If you want to ignore it, whatever I could care less. I've got bigger things to worry about." Harry suddenly got a bright smile. "I wonder what would happen if I staked Voldemort."

"Mr. Potter, you are dismissed," Dumbledore told him. "We've got some things to discuss and we'll send someone by later with your money."

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Later that night Remus Lupin stopped by the Gryffindor common room and handed Harry a new money pouch. "So what's this I hear about us going to America to return a demon space cat?"

Ron and Hermione took larger than average gulps of their pumpkin juice and just kept doing their homework by the fire. Harry glared at them accusingly, knowing they probably had a diluted potion or two in their drinks, "Pixel isn't a demon, at least I don't think so, and we're not exactly going anywhere. _I_ will be taking Pixel home and maybe getting a late night snack."

"Sorry Pup, but wherever you're going tonight I'm going. I know you told the Headmaster you'd stay in the castle but he thinks you need a bodyguard so I'm it." Lupin shrugged helplessly.

"Will I be needing a bodyguard to go to classes now too?" Harry pouted, and patted his pockets to make sure he had his wand and pixel. "Never mind, let's just get going. Are you going to be hiding under a cloak or do you feel like being sociable?"

"They didn't say I had to stay hidden, are you expecting to run into anyone?" Remus followed him out the portrait and towards the hallway with the tapestry.

"I don't know," He answered honestly when they arrived. "It all depends on how busy they are tonight."

Remus watched as Harry seemed to lose focus and started pacing, "Harry what…"

Suddenly a door appeared on a formerly blank stretch of wall. Unlike most doors in the castle which were wooden and had black iron fittings, this one had a powder coated aluminum frame around a large sheet of glass. The phrase "Nights Bar and Grill" was written in a gothic looking font on the glass in black letters. Harry opened the door and walked inside, Lupin reluctantly following.

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The moment they walked through the door, Harry and Remus found themselves staring down the wrong end of ten crossbows held by ten angry looking young ladies, another woman floated menacingly in the background, her eyes crackling with power.

"Slayers chill, I got this one!" The one eyed barkeep came hurrying out of the back room. "Harry, you really need to work on a more subtle entrance. Whenever you show up every alarm we've got goes nuts, well except for the ones that are supposed to warn me about certain deities... So who's your friend there?"

The young ladies, some of whom were younger than Harry, drifted back to their food or drinks, getting ready for a night on patrol while Xander dealt with the guests.

"Sorry about that, I didn't know," Harry looked sheepish. "This is Remus Lupin, a good friend of mine and a werewolf. That's not going to be a problem here right?"

Xander nodded, "Yeah that's cool. My bar is neutral ground, whether you are a vampire, werewolf, wizard, deity, demon or just an everyday mortal. Don't start anything and we won't have to kick your ass. Nice to meet you Mr. Lupin, now what can I get for you guys today?"

"Well mostly we just stopped by to bring your cat home. He kinda hitched a ride last night and I didn't notice until this morning." Harry pulled Pixel out of his robes and set him down. Pixel made a beeline for the Slayers in training who were always willing to give him the affection he deserved. "But since we're here, how about a couple butter beers?"

"I didn't even notice he was missing," Xander admitted. "Like I said, he comes and goes. He doesn't belong to me, the way I had it explained is that he'll choose someone to look after him for a while then move on. I don't reckon I've heard of Butter Beer but let me ask Meghan. We're constantly getting unusual drinks."

Remus watched as the bartender walked off and turned, "Harry, where the hell are we and how are you so calm? Those girls wanted to kill you!"

"Like I said to Dumbledore, we're either still in the castle or we're in the middle of America. I'm kind of fuzzy on that aspect. As for why I'm calm let me ask you a question first." Harry jerked his thumb at the Slayers and Willow. "Why exactly were they ready to kill me?"

"Because you set off the alarms and they didn't know who you were."

Harry smiled, "Exactly! I, Harry Potter, am sitting in a pub that caters to magical clients, and nobody has any idea who I am. They don't know me from Adam. Ok, the owner knows my story but to the rest, I'm a weird English kid."

"I can't think of any weirder," Xander joked as he came back. "Sorry guys but it looks like we don't have Butter Beer. Second choices?"

"Do you have any tea?" Remus asked hopefully. He too liked the idea of a place where his curse wasn't a problem.

"Of course, you'd be surprised how many people are just looking for a cuppa. You too Harry?"

"How about a fire whiskey or are you going to ask for my ID again? Just one, and maybe a soda." Harry pulled out a ten dollar bill and laid it on the bar. "You wouldn't believe how much trouble Pixel can cause."

"Actually I can," Xander shuddered comicly and started making drinks. "Alright but one's your limit soldier. By the way, why is it that your ID makes faces at me but waves at everyone else?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Harry tried to look innocent, even asking the Room for a halo. Unfortunately the halo soon caught fire with black flames which had the opposite effect. Across the bar Willow, who Harry remembered from the picture, waved mischeviously.

"Here you go gentlemen, one tea, one Balor's Best Fire Whiskey, and one Tab. No charge for the Tab, doesn't seem right considering the source." Xander set their drinks in front of them. "Rare to meet a human, even a wizard, who will drink the fire whiskey, but I guess there's no accounting for taste."

Harry looked at the smallest glass with trepidation but said nothing now that he was finally being treated as an adult by someone. Balor's Best wasn't a brand he'd ever heard of and he remembered that fire whiskey was usually amber colored with an inner flame, not blood red with fumes. Knocking it back, Harry could somehow taste thousands of souls screaming in terror with just a hint of sulfur. When he coughed and gagged, a black fireball shot out of his mouth and just missed Lupin.

"Whoa, watch where you're shooting the flames H-man." Xander shouted.

"That," Harry pointed at the still fuming shot glass, "was not what I meant by fire whiskey. Fire whiskey is supposed to be like scotch, but with magical flames, not like a field trip to hell."

"Only kind of fire whiskey we carry here, sorry man. If you can't handle it, don't order it." Xander threw back. "So what's your story Mr. Lupin? You mixed up in his mess too?"

"I'm not sure I have a story. I'm just along for the ride really. Somebody has to keep him out of trouble," Remus shrugged and turned back to his tea.

"Of course you've got a story Mooney." Harry pointed to the back wall where his autograph was hanging just above the drivers license he conjured the night before. "Xander here collects stories. Why don't you tell him about the Marauders and some of the stuff you guys got up to?"

Remus smiled and chuckled a bit in remembrance, "Alright if you insist. Let me tell you a story of the greatest magical pranksters ever to grace the Halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Like most stories of this sort, it begins with four children who are headed to school for the first time…"

Three hours later, after many glasses of heavenly Tab, a few cups of decent tea, and a formerly Blonde Slayer who walked by at the wrong moment and became a demonstration, Remus concluded his tale of boyhood mischief and detentions well earned. Surprisingly most of the people around him applauded when the story ended, he'd gained a bit of an audience it seemed.

"Well I know it's early here, but we're five hours ahead in Scotland," Remus said as he got to his feet. "You ready to go Harry?"

"Yeah I guess. Let me pay Fred what I owe her and I'll be right there," Harry started counting out bills to Fred, who had been beating him in just about every bar game they could think of. "I still don't know how she was cheating, but five bull's eyes in a row is not luck."

"Well now you've learned not to bet money on it haven't you?" Xander grinned. "Poker night is Thursday by the way, stop on by if you want but absolutely no kitten betting. We're not joking about that part."

"I've got most of my Fridays free so I might stop by. Later everybody," The alarms started shrieking again as he headed towards the door and silenced themselves as soon as he and Remus had left, disappearing instead of walking into the parking lot.

"I'm going to have to have Willow fix that if he's going to keep coming back. Getting a crossbow in the face as you walk through the door isn't very friendly." Xander made a note of it on his check pad and started making his rounds to check in with the regulars.


	3. Chapter 3

Tea and Sympathy: Part the Third wherein Cards are played and Bets are made…

Disclaimer; Xander belongs to Whedon, Harry belongs to Rowling, Ilona belongs to Bechard, and the Goddesses belong to themselves. Nights belongs to Methos.

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It was a fairly average Thursday at Nights Bar and Grill in Cleveland, Ohio. Outside the bar, it was just starting to snow as December decided to settle in for a stretch, light drifts and gentle sprinkles. It looked downright pleasant. Unfortunately inside those walls lay a lot of things that almost everyone would agree were far from average, well everyone except to the regulars inside. To them, there was nothing special going on at all. Behind the bar a witch and a Vampire Slayer served drinks and food to the customers. The customers, who were often enough mythical or legendary in nature, traded professional courtesies and insider tips. Alliances were made and treaties broken in this quiet, unassuming bar, but that's not where tonight's story was being written

The story which soon became legend, was being born at the weekly poker game that was happening in the back room. The bar played host to the weekly event and it most often featured vampires and demons passing large sums of money back and forth across the table, money that was earned, stolen, or horded over hundreds or thousands of years. Exchange rates were always something players had to establish up front when mortal players joined the game. This Thursday night, even the immortals were stepping aside as Xander Harris, Harry Potter, Willow Rosenberg, and an assortment of goddesses sat down to play.

"Alright ladies you know the game. Just your basic five card poker, deuces and suicide kings are wild, it'll cost you one to ante in," Tyche was masterfully shuffling the deck and doing a few card tricks as everyone settled in with their drinks of choice and a collection of chips.

"What's the currency?" Harry asked as he took a sip of his soft drink. "I don't think my gold will be much use to fine ladies like yourselves. How much is this going to cost me?"

The barefoot Goddess in silver smiled enigmatically and tapped her head to show she approved of him catching on so fast.

"We play for favors," Aphrodite declared. "There are three types, personal favors where you do a small task when we're busy, business which might include answering a prayer or perhaps a small quest, and unlimited which can be **_anything_**" She batted her eyelashes playfully as the chips changed into silver, gold and a strange black metal most couldn't identify. They were marked with a P, B or U on the front along with the owner's name on the reverse. "Ten personal to a business, twenty business to an unlimited."

Xander gulped loudly as he realized what he got roped into when Willow made him promise to play tonight. "Harry, Willow, this is the single most important piece of advice I will ever give. Do. Not. Lose. Black. Chips."

"Sorry," Willow said quietly with a touch of shame in her voice. "That's why I made you promise to stay at least a couple hours, they used one to get you here."

Xander groaned and Harry began to wonder how badly he was about to lose. "Well at least we can get some of theirs in return right?"

"We can try," Xander told him, "But I'm getting some serious wiggums that the deck might be stacked."

"Nonsense Alexander, I promise that if anyone cheats Nemesis and I will take care of them," Athena smirked a bit, adding to herself silently, "Well right after we cash ours in anyway."

"And since I'm the dealer," Tyche spoke up, "You know I won't be using my powers over luck. You'll have a fair game."

Harry reached out to the Room's power and asked it to steal some of Hermione's potions. He handed one to Xander, "Drink up, it'll calm you down and help you focus."

Willow glared at him like she always did whenever he pulled on the Room of Requirement's magic. "One of these days I'm going to get you to tell me how you do that."

Harry smiled and thanked the goddesses for a currency he could use with the White Witch. "I'll tell you for a business."

A gold chip found itself flipping over the table, "Tell me."

"It's because I'm not really here, or maybe it's because you all are there. I really don't like to think about that part," Harry shook off the headache that always came with trying to figure out magic. "Look, the Hellmouth is some sort of nexus between the dimensions right?"

"Of course."

"Well when I come here I'm actually entering a room that reaches into different dimensions to create or find whatever I need. So until I leave the room, that finding and summoning magic will try to fulfill my needs. If I enter it looking for a place to have a drink and a helpful bartender, I wind up here. Since I'm both here and in the room, stupid Hellmouth, I can still use the finding magic." Harry looked smug as he pocketed the favor.

"Oh, so you're like Schrödinger's cat stuck in a holo-deck. Neato!"

"Fascinating," Athena drawled smoothly. "Are we going to play or just chat all night?"

"Everybody ante up!" Tyche called. Silver chips hit the table and cards began flying. "Bidding starts with the cat stuck in a box."

Harry looked at the cards he'd been dealt, king high with a pair of threes. He tossed two chips in and laid the other two cards facedown on the table. "I'll bet two, and take a couple cards."

The bidding went around the table and Xander seemed to be stalling before he folded, only having lost his ante. It seemed his strategy for the night was to stick around for the two hours he promised and run as far away as he could, and unless they could play two hundred hands in an hour his black chips were safe. It wound up costing Harry two more silver to see his new cards, and he got lucky, winning the hand with two pair.

He was beginning to think of what he could use these divine favors for when he heard a simply magical laugh coming from the silent Goddess. He looked up and she pointed to the table and then the cards. He understood, it was one thing to win them, another entirely to keep them while the game had only just begun.

Deciding to be a bit of a prick, Harry made a show of throwing Xander's chip back in the pot. The only way to keep yours was to win everyone else's after all, just paying out every hand was going to cost him more than he could afford. He wound up losing that hand, and a few more after it but they managed to pull Xander back into the game and the cards started flying.

00000

It was nearing midnight local time when Athena bowed out of the game and everyone else stopped for refreshments. Xander took off like a rocket for the safety of the other side of his bar, his black chips safe for another day though he did lose a few gold. Harry was down a lot of personal favors but managed to lose only the business chips he won from other people. He'd been forced to bow out of the only hand so far where black chips came into play, three of a kind didn't look so perfect when the others wore predatory grins.

A stunning blonde with golden eyes walked up to him, drinking something out of a hat with a crazy straw. "You ever play a game of a liar's poker?"

"I don't think so," Harry admitted. "How does it work?"

"We both pick cards from a deck randomly but only show them to each other without looking at them ourselves. Then we lie about who has the better card and the betting starts. You have to figure out how badly I'm lying and what its worth if you're wrong." She smirked mischievously as she brought a deck of cards from her pocket. "Care for a game?"

"Sure, but not with your cards. Shall we use mine or call for Tyche?" Harry pulled on the Room a bit to cause a pack of cards to appear in his hands. He'd heard of Eris from the others and figured his father would be proud of what he was about to do.

"No, she's a real stick in the mud," Eris wrinkled her nose a bit. "Fine we'll use your cards."

The other goddesses gathered to watch the mortal who presumed to out bluff a god. The game was equal parts luck, skill, and self knowledge, a mortal should have no chance. With as much flair as he could manage he shuffled the deck and spread it in an arc on the table. He gave his most evil grin "Ladies first."

She grabbed a card in her long, delicate fingers and held it triumphantly to the crowd. Silence reigned as no one wanted to give away the truth.

Harry took his time, dragging his hand back and forth over the cards. "You really ought to just give up now and save yourself the trouble. I'll let you leave for a silver."

"Not a chance green eyes, draw your card."

Harry pulled one from the top of the deck and smirked as he showed it to the crowd. He saw Eris' eyes light up for just a split second before she brought it under control. She probably wanted him to see that, so the game was still afoot. It took a few seconds as the crowd realized the truth, and then everyone broke into laughter.

"Looks like your card is a complete bust sweet cheeks. Two silver." Eris demanded haughtily.

"No I think they're laughing at how utterly I've got you beat. Seven silver favors and we can forget this ever happened."

"You're going to hold up that card and claim you've got me beat? Two gold, or are you not man enough?"

Harry hummed a jaunty tune as he delivered another taunt,

"Someone's missing from the party,  
Was the card lost in the mail?  
Golden present to the beauty,  
Perfect Eris, sure to fail!

Eris just blew up. Her hair started blowing in an imaginary wind and she brought her divine nature to the fore, crushing him with her terrible beauty, "You dare mock me BOY! I've wiped entire nations from the face of history and you make jokes?"

Harry fought with everything in him. He grabbed the parts that could look Voldemort in the eye, the parts that killed a basilisk, the parts that kept getting up from the cruciatus and he stood with his back straight as he made his final bet. He stared into the raging goddess' eyes and made the most bold faced bluff he'd ever heard of, "I bet a black that not only do you have the lowest card, but that I have the highest card in the deck."

With a roar of disgust she ripped the card out of his hands and slammed it onto the table. A two of clubs, the lowest ranking card in the deck, "Your soul is mine!"

Harry didn't break his gaze as he plucked her card from her hands and dropped it to the table. Two of clubs. In one smooth motion he flipped the deck over and spread the cards. Every last one was a two of clubs. "You had the lowest, I had the highest, and mine was the best card in the deck. My soul stays with me, but I'll take an apple as my favor."

Eris stared at him, then stared at the table, and back to him again. Then she broke down into laughter. It's not everyday a goddess of chaos and trickery was beaten at her own game. She couldn't even complain really, her deck was loaded too. "You know kid, you just might be alright after all. Think up some good riddles and we'll go see Loki, Maui and Raven sometime."

A cheer went up for Harry and Xander brought over a new tray of drinks. "The drinks are on me tonight Harry, but you just have to get me something for my wall. Eris, get over here for a picture!"

"I was serious about the apple you know," Harry said casually as the goddess got to her feet. "It's a trophy my family would be proud of me for winning. May I have an Apple of Discord?"

"You're serious?" She looked baffled as the apple spun itself into being. "Do you have any idea how much trouble one of these can cause?"

"I may have heard a story. Do you have any idea how much trouble I cause on my own?"

"You've got a point. I have to admit that." She used her finger nails to inscribe something on the surface and posed for the picture as she handed it to Harry. "Just be careful, you're now an official trouble magnet."

Harry smiled as he tossed the apple in his hand to judge it's weight, "And this is different from before how?"

00000

After things settled down a bit, the goddesses, Harry and Willow went back to the poker table for some more gambling. Ilona, God's only begotten daughter, joined in the second round and the stakes were raised. It was five silver to play and then the betting started. Again he shied away from the pots where black chips hit the table. He was never _that sure_ about his hand that he'd risk what just might be his immortal soul on a game of cards. They could ask for anything after all, and he could think of a lot of things he didn't want to risk. Eventually the game started to wind down and Harry realized that he wouldn't be able to get any sleep before his classes at all and would be lucky to get breakfast.

As everyone was packing up, he approached the silent Goddess and handed one of the silver chips marked YHWH back to its owner, "I don't really know how to say this, but…"

He was quieted as the Goddess took him in her arms and hugged him tight. It was the most incredible feeling in the world and at that moment Harry knew that he was loved and that everything would work out as it should. She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead that left him feeling both invigorated and stunned senseless as she let go.

"They know, and they love you too." Ilona said. "They're very proud of you Harry, don't ever forget it."

Harry came out of his stupor just as the mother and daughter pair were leaving the room.

"Wait!" He called suddenly. Rushing forward he put one of his own black chips in Her hand, "I won't bet them, they're too important, but I want you to have one anyway. I may not always do the right thing, but I'm willing to try and I'd like to think my heart is in the right place."

The silent Goddess nodded serenely and gave him another dazzling smile which Ilona was willing to translate, "That's all that really matters. Do you know what all of the Bible and the rest of Her message boils down to? Be kind. That's it, just do the best you can and be kind to each other. Thank you for your trust."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, God, or any related characters. All intellectual properties remain with their creators.

00000

Hogwarts had been enjoying a relatively peaceful year as spring blossomed in Scotland. The Second War was starting to heat up but for thanks to the constant vigilance of the Order of the Phoenix, the students within Hogwarts had been spared the fear and uncertainty that was beginning to settle in across the country. Unlike the previous five years, it seemed that there was no sinister plot unfolding behind the scenes, and with the notable exceptions of Harry's weekly disappearing act almost nothing weird going on.

That's not to say that Harry's trips were well known to the other students, but those who's self appointed duty it was to watch over him were beginning to get annoyed. Every week he would disappear after dinner on Thursday and reappear Friday morning, sleeping in most of his free time on those days. Lupin knew where he was going and could describe the place, Ron and Hermione were able to tell them how he got there, but all attempts to access this mysterious pub without Harry seemed to come up empty. They tried every method they could think of; even asking for the pub by name (thanks to a book of matches discovered in Harry's laundry) yielded only a stone wall and no door.

It was the middle of April by the time the first Potter Incident was noticed by the school at large. Ron and Hermione were arguing about some trivial aspect of magical history while Harry looked on with a smile, eating his sausage. He'd taken care to cultivate an enigmatic smile after spending so much time with the Silent One. He found that people were more apt to tell him what he wanted to know if he pretended to already know it. Dumbledore didn't want to admit it, but it freaked him out in a major way.

Into this scene burst a ten foot tall pillar of flame. A powerful and commanding voice boomed over the quiet breakfast, "BEHOLD THE METATRON, HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD! BEHOLD THE METATRON, HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!"

"Oh for crying out loud Voice, cut the theatrics and get to the point," Harry pushed aside his plate and mentally prepared himself. "So I take it Sally wants to cash in on one of the favors I owe Her?"

The flames died down to reveal a handsome man in a perfectly tailored suit, an impressive set of wings protruding from his back. "Sally? Don't you mortals have any respect for the Almighty any more?"

"Well what am I supposed to call Her?" Harry shrugged. "Allah is Arabic. Elohim, Adonai, and Yahweh are all Hebrew. Not to mention they are all male. I figure Sally, Ellen, Abby, and Yaz are the best I can do in English. She's never complained about it."

The rest of the school looked on, completely shell shocked as Harry argued with an Angel and claimed to be on a first name basis with God. Professor McGonagall was beginning to consider alcoholism as a hobby, and Snape took this as all the proof anyone needed about the boy's arrogance and delusional nature.

"Whatever," The Voice muttered. "Back to the business at hand. The Lord God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, King of Kings and Lord of Lords…"

"Can we skip through to the good bits?" Harry motioned to him to hurry up. "If we started comparing titles we'd be here all day. What does she want me to do and what Favor is she calling in?"

Hermione began going into a near seizure. Harry was weird, she'd known this from the first time she'd read his name in a book, but there were limits to what even a well prepared mind could handle. Not to mention that, being raised in the muggle world, she had just a slight bit better grasp of what exactly she was witnessing than the rest of the Hall.

"Fine," The Voice sighed, "You know I only get to come down here and do the whole entrance thing every hundred years or so and you just have to keep interrupting me… Next month the Pope will be having his seventy fifth birthday and God wants to make it special. Since you're a bit more in touch with the times than some of the people Upstairs, She's asking you to make sure it is a day he'll never forget. She said to give you this and let you know you have her full support for any special effects."

Harry took the golden chip the Voice handed him and checked the back for his name. "No problem, let me see what I can come up with. Tell Her I'll bring my plans the week after next at the usual place?"

The Voice nodded and vanished in another column of fire. The Great Hall sat in stunned silence. One of the muggleborn first years was the first to break the silence, "Wow, a mission from God!"

"Just a little one, it's nothing to get excited about."

"Harry?" Hermione asked gently, as if she doubted his sanity, "God, THE God, sends an angel to give you a task and you say it's nothing to get excited about?"

"It's a birthday party," Harry told her. "Sally knows I can handle it, and I've got a pretty good idea of what I'll end up doing anyway. When did you suddenly become religious?"

"Honestly, did you somehow miss the fact that you were talking an Angel?" She pointed wildly to the scorched circle on the floor. "I don't know why of all the people in the world God wants you to do it though. I would expect God to ask a priest or vicar or someone Holy like that."

"Probably because I understand what a Pope needs," Harry furrowed his brow trying to remember something.

"How would you be able to understand the Pope? He's the head of the Catholic Church and lives a life of piety."

"Well I'm kind of a Pope for Eris so, you know, one Pope to another and all that." Harry's eyes lit up and he headed for the Ravenclaw table to find Luna. "I just remembered something I was supposed to tell you."

"Is it about the heffalumps? Because I already took care of that." Luna looked at something slightly above and behind his left shoulder.

Harry pulled out the Apple of Discord and made sure his hat was on crooked. "The goddess Eris is pleased with your family. The snorkacks only live in Norway during the winter, the rest of the year you'll find them in Guyana."

Luna smiled as he bounced the apple off of her head.

"You are now ordained as a Genuine and Authorized Pope of Eris. You are allowed to claim infallibility at any time, even retroactively. Be full of fruit and derive, remember not to eat hot dog buns on Friday." Harry tapped his chin. "Did I forget anything?"

"How about that you just got a mission from God and now you're just making stuff up? I may not be a vicar but I'm pretty sure there was a rule about not having other gods?" Hermione pointed out.

"I'm not making this up. Surely you know what this is?" He handed her his Apple. "And aside from talking with the Big Guy Himself, or Herself depending on the occasion, that outdated rule said no other gods. It never mentioned goddesses, which is good news because there are a couple who owe me big time."

While Hermione was busy trying to deny the Apple's existence and Luna was busy renaming most of her housemates, Ron took his chance to ask a question. "If the gods really exist and they owe you, why not have them take care of You-Know-Who for you?"

"Well it's not exactly a polite thing to do. You'd never ask me to go murder someone for you, so why should I ask that one of my friends?" Harry shrugged as if it were obvious. "I'd do anything to have this whole war magically put behind me, but I'm not about to ask someone else to do it for me."

As if his words were brought to life, a sound not unlike a slot machine hitting jackpot echoed through the Great Hall and seven black chips fell to the floor around Harry.

A young woman in a pant suit with blonde hair and piercing green eyes walked through the doors and held out her hand, causing a chip to fly across the room. Her voice captivated everyone who heard it, "Ding, ding, ding! He finally said the magic words Ladies!"

All of a sudden the air was full of special effects which were out there even by Wizarding standards. A tall curvy brunette dressed in a toga descended through the air on a whirlwind of pink paper hearts. A thunderbolt crashed and another appeared wearing silver and gold armor, sword held high. A redhead gave a shrill war cry as she flew down from the rafters on black wings, wielding a scythe. Two bone dice bounced across the floor before exploding into a dust cloud which parted to reveal a black haired goddess in a red dress. Luna suddenly sneezed and Eris came bouncing out of her nose on a pogo stick. Finally a barefoot woman in a silver dress walked up behind the blonde.

Harry paled as he looked at the ladies who summoned his black favors. Xander tried to warn him about wishes and careless words but now he was in over his head. "Oh crap…"

"You heard him Ladies," Ilona Coggswater announced. "He'll do anything to have this war ended. Nemesis, Athena, do either of you have a particular way you want to do this?"

"Well normally I leave the rash actions up to Ares but in this case," Athena raised her sword in the air and gave a shout, "Let's kick some ass!"

The other goddesses gave various noises of agreement and there was a rush of women running towards the front of the Hall, and one bouncing happily. Nemesis and the Silent One however walked calmly over to Harry. Harry was looking around desperately for anything he could find. He looked to the Headmaster, "Help?"

Dumbledore broke himself free of the mornings visitors and shook his head sadly. "I wish I could Harry, but you know the saying. Hell hath no fury…"

"Like a woman scorned," Nemesis completed it for him. "Don't worry Harry, we won't bite. Unless you want us to that is… Well Sally shall we do this before the others get to him?"

The Silent Goddess nodded and brought her hands together in a great clap! When the light faded, Voldemort was standing before her without a wand. Nemesis snapped her fingers and he found himself tied and kneeling before a chopping block. Harry just looked at him, his mouth hanging open, as Nemesis passed him an axe.

"And this part you must do for yourself," Nemesis and the Silent Goddess both put a hand on his shoulder. "It is not murder, this is Justice for all those he killed. Give him Justice."

No one dared look away as Harry Potter raised the executioner's axe, but many closed their eyes as it came crashing down. A few horrified cries and a solid thud announced the end of Tom Riddle.

"The deeds of men do no go unnoticed. You have been warned of what happens when you challenge the gods. Power is nothing without compassion. Be Kind." Nemesis turned back to Harry. "Now come along, we've got a few hours before the rest realize we ruined their epic battle."

Harry dropped the axe, not noticing it dissolved to vapor before it ever reached the floor. He took back his Apple as the two goddesses lead him towards the door, a sick look still on his face.

00000

"And that's how it happened," Harry finished his third miraculously generated whiskey in a row. "And I'll never live it down. They decided that it's my job now."

"Better you than me man," Xander said with some relief. "So where do you want to put the door?"

Harry gestured to the wall between the pinball machine and the stairs to the rest room, a door upholstered with red leather and brass buttons appeared. A small sign was placed at eye level, "No minors allowed past this point."

"Does that work for you?" he asked. "I never did understand the name they chose though. Does the name Seventeen Tables Lounge mean anything to you?"

Xander paled considerably, "It means I'm very glad that's your job now and not mine."

"Actually," Harry snickered as he dropped a collection of gold chips on the bar, all the chips he and the goddesses had gathered over the past year. "I think you'll find that it's your job too, now that it's a business favor and all. Ladies night is every Tuesday."

Laughing as his friend tried to find words to express the depths of his horror Harry Potter, newly created Lord of Magic and God of Exotic Dancers, walked through the door to his club in Hogsmeade. He wondered if Fleur Delacour had a job…


End file.
